#14 I Pressed It… Then Panicked

After I wrote that last blog post I knew what you were thinking—I was a dill. I knew it was time to stop mucking around. No more dithering. No more excuses. Just me, my manuscript Hydra in Winter, and an impending nervous breakdown.

So here’s a step-by-step account of what happened. Not for the squeamish. This is a blood sport.

Step 1: Formatting Fun

First, I wrestled my manuscript into shape using Vellum—a fancy program that takes your already perfectly formatted book and makes it even more beautifully formatted, assuming you can figure out how to use it. I did, eventually. Simple enough if you enjoy toggling between a thousand settings and spiralling into existential crises over cream vs. white paper (cream, obviously—luxury!) and matte vs. glossy covers (matte, no contest).Then there was trim size—that’s publisher-speak for book size. You have never seen anything sadder than me on the floor, tape measure in hand, comparing book dimensions like a deranged librarian. Font size, line spacing, those oversized capital letters at the start of every chapter—each decision led to another meltdown. I generated enough stress energy to power a small village.

Step 1.5: The First Sparkle of Validation

Just as I was recovering—and possibly contemplating a new career as a tiger trainer—my very wonderful writing friend Kyra Geddes sent me the most beautiful endorsement to put on the cover:

"Reading Hydra in Winter is like drinking a bottomless glass of champagne: bubbly, refreshing and bound to make you laugh."

Kyra is not only a brilliant writer but also an exceptionally kind human bean. You know beans? Her debut novel, The Story Thief, is a fascinating read and a runaway bestseller. I was captivated by the way she vividly captured early 20th-century Sydney, portraying its complex social stratification through the eyes of her protagonist, Lillian Taylor—a strong yet vulnerable young woman. It's a page-turner of a story of family relationships set in pivotal moments of Australian history. Truly wonderful. You can learn about her and her story motivation at https://kyrageddes.com/ or buy it here.

Kyra‘s quote was also fitting because self-publishing this book has indeed felt like drinking a bottomless glass of champagne—fun at first, then making me slightly unhinged and laughing manically, followed by a thumping headache.

Speaking of brilliant people, I owe a huge debt to the ALLWRiTE CLUB (hereafter AWC) crew. They’ve been my cheerleaders, sounding boards, and fellow literary conspirators, and without them, I’d still be rearranging chapter one. They made this book better in many ways, and they all take turns to be brilliant, but a special shoutout to Natasha Neary (Granath), whose laser-sharp eye for structure saved me from what I can only describe as an absence of it. Their willingly given insights and encouragement made this whole process a joy (well, mostly).

Step 2: The Great Cover Design Debacle

Next, I commissioned a cover from an extremely talented designer on Fiverr. Fiverr, by the way, is a magical place where you can hire people to do everything from book covers to voiceovers to writing your resignation letter (tempting). I gave my poor designer the most colossal brain-twister of his life because I had a very clear vision. That all started when I told my mate Jude (AWC again) what I wanted and he generated an AI image that perfectly captured the atmosphere. But it had to be perfect.

The problem? My designer and I had wildly different interpretations of “perfect". His buildings kept trying to topple into the sea, my colours clashed with his, and we spent weeks locked in a battle over my deeply held artistic conviction that the point where the sea meets the sky had to be lavender. But we got there in the end. I hope his therapy is working.

Step 3: Keywords, Categories, and a Deep Existential Crisis

I plunged—yet again—into the murky depths of Amazon keywords and categories, determined to crack the code of discoverability. In a moment of optimism (or desperation), I bought Publisher Rocket, a software created by a tech guru named Dave, who swore he could make me see sense. I dutifully watched his training videos, each one ending with, “Right, now you understand that, we’ll move on.” Which left me screaming, “Dave! Dave! I’ve got my hand stuck in the afterburner!”

I waded through endless ‘essential’ guides, only to find myself trapped in a labyrinth of metadata, SEO, audiences, and algorithms, where every door led to another 20-page explanation that made me question my life choices. After what felt like a lifetime, I emerged—victorious, exhausted, and more than slightly feral—clutching an impressive list of keywords and categories (which are more important to your future writing career than your DNA) and a growing suspicion that Amazon is secretly run by malevolent robots.

Step 4: The Amazon Upload Saga

Uploading to Amazon should be straightforward. It is not. Somewhere along the way, I became Michelle Myra Coburn. Apparently, that’s who will get my royalties.

Mistake #1: I thought I had to set a publication date. So I set one, but one far enough away that it wouldn‘t sneak up on me. Doing that is actually equivalent to signing a contract not to speak for 20 years.

Mistake #2: I set up a pre-order, panicked, and cancelled it, which I later discovered is a crime punishable by a year-long banishment to the Amazon Naughty Corner and a stern email asking for my ASIN—not a body part, as I first feared. The offence is up there with robbing a bank.

Mistake #3: I tried to ask Amazon Support a simple question.

Snippet of the support conversation:

Me: Do you think you could hand me over to someone else please A? I am having trouble understanding you. I don't want to release it now. And I don't know what release date I want. So what do I do? The date on the website is wrong.

A: Simple answer is, when you wish to release just simply click the option of ‘release my book for sale now’. It will automatically go for review process.

Like telling someone lost in a maze, ‘Just go out via the exit.’

Me: I just worked it out. I needed to press ‘clear date’.

Don't even talk to me about Book Funnel, or the metaphysical detonation of buying the economical 10 x ISBN deal from people called Bowker-Thorpe—who sound as if they‘re lying on a leather chesterfield, swirling a brandy, and making pronouncements about the publishing industry. And don’t ask me whether you need one ISBN for your paperback and another for your e-book. I still don’t know. Mine both have one. But I had to chuck another one in the bin. But I have seven spares in the cupboard. Fancy ISBN shopping being like shopping at Coles.

Step 5: Making the Bookshop Rounds (and Learning to Love Square)

Selling paperbacks through Amazon wasn’t enough. I knew I had to get my book into our much-loved local bookshops, but the big distributors won’t touch small fry like me. Enter: Ingram Spark. Another upload, another migraine. I still haven't figured out why bookshops resist buying from them. I'm trying to figure out how I can get it into the hands of other distributors.

Also, because I planned to do some in-person sales, I got Square on my phone (it's a money taking app) so I could take payments without handling germ-infested cash. So don’t come near me with a card or you‘ll find you’ve bought a book.

Oh, and I applied for a Goodreads Author page. Rejected. I was getting a complex. Matching email addresses between Amazon and Goodreads, they explained, is vital for verifying my author status. Clearly, I’m a danger to society. Personally, I think they should verify authors based on their anxiety levels—mine were off the chart.

Step 6: The Brain Snap Heard Round the World

Originally, I had a plan. A solid, well-thought-out plan. I would publish Hydra in Winter in March 2025, just in time for Greek National Day. That would give me four months to prepare—to learn about marketing, set up ads, write to the media, organise launches, get pre-publication reviews on Amazon and Goodreads, and generally do things like a Proper Self-Published Author.

Then, in late November, something happened. I think staring down the barrel of months of work caused a synapse misfire. A moment of madness. Circling eyeball syndrome. On the 26th (or thereabouts), with, no rehearsal, no countdown and no strategy, I just took one almighty stab and pressed PUBLISH.

When John came home, I was grinning like a Cheshire cat who’d just charged a Ferrari to his credit card.

Triumphantly, I sent you an email telling you what I’d done, and I posted it on Instagram and Facebook.

And then the chaos began.

Step 7: You Went Nuts (and I Love You for It)

It was miraculous: you all started buying. Immediately. So many, in fact, that Hydra in Winter shot to #1 on Amazon in all its categories. I’d like to say I remained calm, but in reality, I ran around the house screaming as if I’d dropped a brick on my foot.

You did this. It was YOU!!

Despite all this, my sales report said zero. True story.

The report finally caught up. I was #1 ahead of National Geographic, Murakami, even Lonely Planet and Bill Bryson! But in January sales slumped, and I realised why everything I‘d read said you have to advertise. I went from feeling mind-blowingly smug to completely unprepared. I had to go face to face with META and AMAZON. I went at it like a punch-drunk boxer. I had identical advertising campaigns running. I had confused identities on Facebook. I ‘boosted‘ anything that moved. Who knew a Facebook profile is different from a Facebook page? Not me. I still don’t understand it. It was an absolute nightmare. A financial disaster. Whimpering and beaten, I abandoned advertising.

Step 8: The Aftermath

But before that, while books were still actually selling, I went full indie author mode. I ordered boxes of books to deliver to my two local bookshops —my never-ending thanks to Annie and her staff, of Annie‘s Books in Peregian who should get Saleswomen of the Year and nicest guys on the planet, and also Andrea and Damon at Mary Ryan in New Farm. I emailed bookshops, newspapers, started plotting book events and dreaming of launches, and even ended up in a few publications. Speaking of which—

Massive News!

• Hydra in Winter has just been featured on the Notable Books page of The Weekend Australian’s Review lift-out written by the fabulous and discerning Samuel Bernard, critic, literary agent, judge of the Australian Fiction Prize. This is equivalent to being loaded into a rocket to the moon. Without a harness.

• The Historical Archive–Museum of Hydra (IAMY) Facebook page has featured Hydra in Winter and they have it for sale on their shelves IN GREECE. I've gone global!!!! If you're on Hydra, ask Stam to sign one for you! They're sure to be collectible! 😆

• Before all this miraculous exposure, I recorded a podcast with Barbie Robinson of Living Arts Canberra—I am truly ghastly at that—and I made a Zoom appearance at one of Lisa Clifford’s Art of Writing Time to Write sessions, where I may have been a tad overenthusiastic. I’ve also done a magazine interview and had a little alumnus love from the websites of writing institutions where I’ve studied.

• I’ve been invited to appear at a book festival in Sydney—I'll tell you as soon as it's signed and sealed—and that may be the Sydney launch. Yet to be confirmed, but let’s pretend it’s happening. And another book festival up here on the Sunshine Coast. And other stuff.

• And launches! Annie has organised one at the Captain's Daughter Restaurant in Peregian Village at 6pm on March 25th—that's Greek National Day! Please please come. I had a nightmare it was just me and Annie—it‘s ticketed at $40 which is the actual cost to Annie—if you want to come, ring 07-5448 2053 or email info@anniesbooks.com.au And our daughter Ange has offered to host one (possibly ticketed with a copy of the book included)—details to come, and I'm ‘in discussions‘ about a Melbourne launch too. OMG.

• I can see how authors don't have time to write.

Breaking News: Son of Hydra is Coming!

Except I MUST!!!! Because, yes, after years of writing, rewriting, and making you all suffer through a tortured historical fiction journey, I am definitely publishing Son of Hydra—and this year if I do it myself. The goal? To find a publisher first so I can avoid the fresh hell of self-publishing two books in a row. But if no one picks me up, brace yourselves—I’ll be back in the trenches, probably committing some unknowable crime against Meta and landing myself in publishing jail having my fingernails pulled out. And I'll have to do an advertising click-test course. OMG. Cue eye-roll.

Final Thoughts (Until I Have Another Literary Crisis)

My self-publishing ‘journey‘ (isn't that a stick finger-down-throat word) has left me with enough material for a memoir about the process. Working title: The Accidental Author: Confessions of a Self-Publishing Survivor. And I've started work on my Confessions of a Cream Bun Addict. And Mary—Daughter of Cork! Never forget Mary.

Stop Press

Today, Hydra in Winter is on the 10 top best sellers stand at Mary Ryan New Farm. I might take a director's chair and just sit there on the footpath looking at it. And Annie keeps ringing me to bring more.

For now, I just want to say: THANK YOU.

Writing and publishing a book is also a lot like an accident. Not a small bumper bar touch, but a full-blown, multi-car pile-up with a series of contributing factors. And in my case, those factors were all the wonderful people who helped me skid—somewhat elegantly, I must say—over the finish line. John who handed me the keys, my family who were there for me as I took off, tutors who taught me how to steer, writing buddies who kept me from veering off course, friends who handed me metaphorical airbags, the people of Hydra who didn’t just cheer from the sidelines but threw open their tavern doors and poured me wine, and, of course, you—my fabulous, reckless co-pilots, who jumped in the car and turned this wild ride into an actual success. I know because I saw you waving your arms in the air and screaming just as loudly as I was. Thank you for buying, sharing, reviewing, cheering me on, and generally being wonderful.

Would I do it again? Yes. But next time, I’ll wear a helmet and leave a note for my next of kin. If you stick with me (oh please don't make me do this by myself) I suggest you do the same.

But enough about me—how are you? Did you have a brilliant Christmas? Have you recovered? Are you planning some exciting travel, or just trying to get through the chaos of real life? Any good books on your bedside? Whatever’s happening in your world, I hope it’s wonderful—or at the very least, involves yummy food and wine. Or even a cream bun. Tell me everything—in the comments below, or email me at shelleydarkwriter@gmail.com, or message me on Instagram.

And while we’re on that, doesn’t it drive you batty how you get a message and you cannot for the life of you remember which platform it was on, so you can answer it? So if I don't answer you, assume that. But I will. Answer you.

And if you’re thinking about self-publishing, my best advice is this: start now. And also, don’t cancel a pre-order. Trust me...

And leaving a comment below will definitely help me recover from this whole ordeal. Your support means everything.

Onward, to Son of Hydra!

Remember, I always wait you,